Adult Humor

A CANDLE FOR AWKWARD MOMENTS, SMELLS LIKE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE INCREASED INSTANCES OF MISSED HIGH FIVES AND BLIND DATES WITH YOUR DAD, A CANDLE FOR DIRTY MINDS, SMELLS KINDA LIKE EVERYONE…HEY A BILLION PORN SITES CAN'T BE WRONG, A CANDLE FOR FAKE NEWS, SMELLS LIKE DRINKING THE KOOL-AID. NO WONDER EVERYONE HAS THEIR HEAD IN THE SAND., A CANDLE FOR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, SMELLS LIKE YOUR EUROPEAN VACATION WAS A REAL BUMMER, WHAT, YOUR WIFI ISN'T WORKING, TEARS BUDDY, A CANDLE FOR FUCKING MEETINGS, SMELLS LIKE THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL…AND THIS IS WHY I DRINK, A CANDLE FOR INTROVERTS, UNSCENTED BECAUSE SERIOUSLY NO ONE IS COMING OVER ANYWAY RIGHT, A CANDLE FOR OFFICE GOSSIP, SMELLS LIKE A SCANDAL, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF THE GOOD PENS, A CANDLE FOR THE COOL AUNT, SMELLS LIKE WINE BREATH, INAPPROPRIATE CONVERSATIONS AND FINDING OUT ALL THE JUICY FAMILY SECRETS, A CANDLE FOR THE YOUNGEST, SMELLS LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE WAY, AFTER SEX XXX CANDLE, IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT STEAMY IN HERE, ALEXA, CLEAN THE HOUSE! I LOVE SPENDING MY DAY CLEANING SAID NO ONE EVER!, ALL GOOD THINGS START WITH "C" CANDLES, COFFEE, CHOCOLATE AND MORE CANDLES, ALL MOMS GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD EXCEPT YOU MOM, YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A LEGEND, ALL MY SINGLE LADIES, BACK OFF GET YOUR OWN DAMN CANDLE, BAD ASS BITCH INFUSED WITH ANY SCENT I FUCKING WANT, BAD ASS MOM CLUB, BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO THAT'S WHY, BEING MY SIBLING IS THE ONLY GIFT YOU NEED….LOVE YOU, BITCH PLEASE, I'M SO FUCKING FABULOUS I PEE GLITTER, SHIT CUPCAKES AND FART RAINBOWS, BLOW ME, BOSS BABE, WAKE, HUSTLE, SLEEP, REPEAT, BULLSHIT REPELLENT, BURN BABY BURN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN, MOMMY IS ABOUT TO LOSE HER SHIT, CANDLE FOR FUCKING CHRISTMAS, SMELLS LIKE SLEEPING THROUGH DECEMBER, CLASSY AS FUCK, SMELLS LIKE SINK BATHING, DRY SHAMPOO, DRESS UP TO GET MESSED UP, CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW HOME. I HOPE YOUR NEW NEIGHBORS AREN'T ASSHOLES, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DIVORCE WE HATED HIM ANYWAY, COZY AS FUCK, DEAR SANTA, I'M WRITING TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY AND IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT, DON'T BE A KAREN, NOBODY LIKES A FUCKING KAREN, DON'T BE A PRICK, DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD, IT'S NOT A DICK, EAT A BAG OF DICKS, EXHALE THE BULLSHIT, FART EXTINGUISHER, FUCK TRUDEAU, FUCK YOU, FUCK THEM, FUCK IT, FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT, FUCK EVERYTHING, FUKUR2CENTS, GETTING LIT SMELLS LIKE AN EXTENDED LUNCH, COCKTAILS AND OTHER TERRIBLE IDEAS, GOOD TIMES SMELLS LIKE A FLASK IN MY POCKET, GREAT JOB MOM- I TURNED OUT AMAZING, GROWN ASS PEOPLE SMELLS LIKE ADULTING AND THE END OF DEFERRED STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS, HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN, NOT FROM MEN, HAPPY SINGLE AWARENESS DAY, HEY GOOGLE, CLEAN THE HOUSE! I LOVE SPENDING MY DAY CLEANING SAID NO ONE EVER!, HEY! I FOUND YOUR NOSE, IT WAS IN MY BUSINESS AGAIN, HOLY SHIT BALLS, HOLY SHIT YOU'RE AMAZING, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE STILL LIKE EACH OTHER, I CAN'T WAIT TO POOP IN YOUR NEW TOILET, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU LESS THAN MOST PEOPLE, I HAVE MIXED DRINKS ON FEELINGS, I JUST REALLY FUCKING LOVE YOU, I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON VALENTINES DAY BY SWITCHING TO SINGLE, I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE ME AND I'M THE BEST, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JOE HATES CAROLE BASKIN, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BUTT (IT'S BIGGER THAN MY HEART), I'D SHANK A BITCH FOR YOU, I'M A LADY BUT FUCK THAT SHIT IS STILL A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE FOR THE WORD NO, I'M A MOM YOU CAN'T SCARE ME, I'M A SLUT FOR TACOS, A TAC-HO IF YOU WILL, I'M GOING TO RIDE YOU LIKE A STOLEN BIKE TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO SPEND ANOTHER VALENTINES DAY WITH MY TRUE LOVE…..FOOD!, I'M HAPPY FOR ALL YOU COUPLES, BUT I'LL BE EVEN HAPPIER FOR ME WHEN THE CANDY GOES ON SALE TOMORROW, I'M JUST WTF-ING MY WAY THROUGH LIFE, I'M NOT SINGLE, I'M IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH FUN AND FREEDOM, I'M SINGLE BECAUSE I WAS BORN THAT WAY, I'VE GOT TOO MANY CANDLES SAID NO ONE EVER, I'VE SEEN MORE PRIVATE PARTS THAN A HOOKER #NURSELIFE, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE FUCK THIS, IT'S NOT A BEARD IT'S A SADDLE, IVORCED AND LOOKING FOR THE "D", JOLLIEST BUNCH OF ASSHOLES THIS SIDE OF THE NUTHOUSE, JUST SUCK IT, LAST FUCKS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE, LET THAT SHIT GO, LET'S GET IT ON, LIFE SUCKS AND THEN IT GETS BETTER AND THEN IT SUCKS AGAIN, LIGHT ME WHEN YOU WANT A HUG AND A LICK, LOOK AT YOU BECOMING A DOCTOR AND SHIT, LOVE BITES, MERRY CHRISTMAS YA FILTHY ANIMAL, MOM IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE WHEN THE CANDLE IS LIT, MOMBIE-IS ONE FULL NIGHTS SLEEP TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?, MOODY BITCH, MOTHER FUCKING HOMEOWNER, MY FAVORITE KID BOUGHT ME THIS CANDLE, MY LAST FUCK….OH LOOK IT'S ON FIRE, NETFLIX AND CHILL, NEW YEAR, NEW BULLSHIT, SMELLS LIKE DISAPPOINTMENT, NO BABE, NO WORRIES, NO PROBLEM, NOT A STEP MOM BUT A BONUS MOM, NOT FRAGILE LIKE A FLOWER, FRAGILE LIKE A BOMB, NOT TODAY SATAN, OK, I LIT THE CANDLE, CAN WE MAKE OUT NOW, OMG MY MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT SHHHH DON'T TELL HER, ONE PROUD MOMMA, ONE TEQUILA TWO TEQUILA THREE TEQUILA FLOOR, PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE YOUR GOOGLE SEARCH WITH MY NURSING DEGREE, POOPING, LIGHT THIS, PROUD MAMA OF AWESOME KIDS, ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE VODKA IS CHEAPER THAN DINNER FOR TWO, ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE, I HAVE FIVE FINGERS THE MIDDLE ONES FOR YOU, SANTA LOVES EVERYONE, EVEN ASSHOLES, SEXY TIME, WHEN THIS CANDLE IS LIT IT'S TIME TO GET IT ON, SHHHH NO ONE CARES, SILENT NIGHT, EVERYONE STFU, SINGLE AND NOT READY TO MINGLE, SINGLE: TOO FABULOUS TO SETTLE, SMELLS LIKE A CANDLE, COFFEE AND PAJAMA DAY…..DO NOT DISTURB, SMELLS LIKE CHEERS BITCHES, GETTIN' THIS PARTY STARTED, SMELLS LIKE FRESHLY SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS, SMELLS LIKE KARMA SCENTED WITH HA HA HA, SMELLS LIKE SUMMER BREAK, SMELLS LIKE TOO TIRED TO FUCTION INFUSED WITH A BIT OF FUCK THIS SHIT AND A LOT OF FUCK THAT, SMELLS LIKE WHINE ABOUT IT, BEST FRIENDS AND A BOTTLE OF WINE, SNUG LIFE- THE SNUGGLE IS REAL, SOME PEOPLE JUST NEED A HIGH FIVE IN THE FACE, SORRY NO GIVE BACKS, THANKS FOR ALL THE ORGASMS, THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ALL MY SHIT MOM, THIS CANDLE NEEDS TO BE LIT IF YOU ARE TAKING A SHIT, THIS CANDLE SMELLS LIKE I KNOW HOW TO TURN MY OVEN ON, THIS IS MY PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS FINE CANDLE, THOU SHALL NOT TRY ME: MOOD 24/7, VALENTINES DAY SUCKS, BUT I DON'T, WELCOME TO THE SHITSHOW, WELL SHIT, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SMELLS LIKE A CRISIS, WHO AM I? WHY AM I HERE? WHY IS THE CANDLES TALKING TO ME?, WHEN THIS CANDLE IS LIT, I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME THE DICK, WHISKEY MAKES ME FRISKY, WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DOO, SMELLS LIKE I HAVE TO BE HERE….UNFORTUNATELY, YEE HAW BITCHES INFUSED WITH THE ESSENCE OF PUTTING THE ASS IN CLASS AND GIVING ZERO FUCKS, YOU ARE A FUCKING AWESOME MOM, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE BITCH TO BITCH ABOUT BITCHES WITH, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PAIN IN THE ASS, YOU ARE MY HOT TAMALE, YOU CAN'T SCARE ME, I HAVE KIDS, YOU DID A GREAT JOB RAISING ME, YOU'RE MY FAVORITE CARDIO WORKOUT, YOU'RE MY PERSON, YOU'VE GOT ME BURNING UP, YOUR CRAZY IS SHOWING, MIGHT WANT TO CONTROL THAT EH!, ZERO FUCKS GIVEN